WORST OF THE LAST DECADE

This past decade, there have been dozens of films that you have watched and seriously, I'm not even kidding, wanted to tear out your eyes with a fork and beg the film to end (too extreme?). Well I know I've had that feeling! I have reviewed all of the films that I have seen in the past decade and man! was it difficult to narrow them down to only ten (one disaster for each year)! It was a tough ride, but... I think I'm pretty happy with it. Please feel free to agree, disagree, or suggest some other pieces of garbage! Here we go...



WORST OF THE WORST:


1. Welcome to Mooseport (2004)
-Now this choice may upset some, because I know most, would probably right away think of the disaster, Jersey Girl, with the ever so untalented Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. That was going to my choice for 2004, but then suddenly this film hit me! I remember accidentally seeing this with my friends at the cinema in New Jersey. We were supposed to see something else, but it was sold out (must have been Taxi with Queen Latifah...), so instead we saw this. I actually had to force one of my friends to watch it. I mean, this cinema was really out of our way, so we were going to see a film no matter what and I assure you, nothing else was playing. So we saw this interesting little picture... and boy, was that the most painful 110 minutes of our lives, however I do remember one kid with his mother sitting behind us who seem to be laughing at pretty much every mindless joke in the film, (he was like 17 by the way) so at least it didn't make the WHOLE audience cringe. Now Gene Hackman is one of my absolutete favorite actors. I think he's brilliant. I've seen in almost everything. All the way from Scarecrow with Pacino to The Birdcage with Williams. An acting legend but was also a very old man when he played the part of Monroe Cole in Mooseport. And Hackman decided to retire immediately after the wrapping and make this piece of garbage his final film. He was 73 years old. That sure made me sad, but he's still one of my heroes no matter what. Now lets talk about Ray Ramano real quick. I have hated this man ever since his stupid show, Everybody Loves Raymond. His voice, his face, his body, even his ears! Can't stand him. And then of course, what do they do to a Queens born stand up comedian who became a semi-successful low budget TBS (very funny...) sitcom actor? THEY GIVE THEM LEADS IN SHITTY MOVIES! Of course! Or straight to DVD shlockfests (i.e. Grilled with a fellow low budget 'com actor, Kevin James). Now just to let you know, Ramano plays the local handy man (appropriately named Handy Harrison. Awe, how cute!) who is the local candidate running for Mayor in his small tiny town. But of course things get complicated, when US president (played by Hackman), decides to retire and move to his hometown of Mooseport, Maine (also Handy's town!) and runs for mayor as well against Handy! Uh oh! Plot point number one! Well not only is this film beyond predictable, the writing is horrendous, and unfortunately some other terrific actors got sucked into this as well (Marcia Gay Harden, Rip Torn, Maura Tierney), but hey, when Fred Savage arrives on screen, all your worries go out the window. Oh yeah, and my last note is the director behind this mess. Mr. Donald Petrie, himself. I have been watching this guys films for a while now (and I still don't know why...), and his only good film was the delightful 1993 classic, Grumpy Old Men. Out of 15 films!!! He represents everything that is unholy and wrong with filmmaking. For those of who you don't know him, he has shown us such classics as Just My Luck, Miss Congeniality, My Life in Ruins. For Christ sake, he even directed the TV remake of Turner & Hooch!!! He wasn't even good enough to direct the original with Tom Hanks. I mean, who does that!? That's like a soap opera style remake mini-series of Planes, Trains & Automobiles! Well, sorry this review turned more into an essay, but that just shows you out outraged I am at this whole film. From the director to Gene Hackman being sucked into this. However, we ALL love you Gene Hackman, and we ALWAYS will (even if when your 80, you decide to do Welcome to Mooseport 2: Back in Business... haha... please, Gene... please... please don't...).

2. Garden Party (2008)
-Now my friend had recommended me this film a few weeks ago and I read about it, and the story sounded sort of interesting. I always get a kick out of stories about kids trying to "make it" in the entertainment business, cause that's exactly what I'm trying to do. So naturally I can relate. I decided to watch this film on netflix.com (that's not always a great sign when a straight to DVD film is also on INSTANT WATCH on netflix.com). Now I didn't know much about writer/director Jason Freeland, but I did know that he had only wrote and directed one other film that was like 10 years ago based on a James Ellroy novel (man behind L.A. Confidential). It starred Michael Rooker, who I like a great deal, but also had Will Sasso from MadTV, so... I didn't know where to direct my thinking. But anyway, I watched Party one night and the writing was so lazy and horrible, I felt like he was just writing as he was "thinking." You know? Like he didn't do any brainstorming before hand or any pre-script planning. Like he was just winging it? It seemed like this script went through maybe a second draft at best, but I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as he finished his rough draft they green lit the project and were ready to film. Now the cast is somewhat reasonable consisting of Two Lovers' Vinessa Shaw as an unconvincing hard as nails real estate agent, or so that's what it said on her character breakdown. Brian De Palma's very young step-daughter, Willa Holland, plays a 15 year old girl trying to make it as a model, but is forced into doing not so dignified things. And the rest of the cast kind of falls flat. Those are really the only two that were reasonable, I guess. Willa Holland probably making the most of this horrifying screenplay. All the little subplots are so contrived and if I heard that wannabe boy band singer (played annoyingly by Erik Smith) sing the title song, 'Garden Party' one more time, I would have ripped my ears off with a kitchen knife. I'm sure the soundtrack is a blast... Once this filmed ended, I had no idea what I just saw (not like a David Lynch film feeling by the way), because it was just so terribly structured that I had no idea why I should have cared for any of these idiot characters. There was no climax, no nothing. It's very hard for an inexperienced filmmaker to tackle a multi character piece and make it work. Only few can do that (i.e. P.T. Anderson). What's even worse, is that they are almost jamming this film down your throat. Not only is it on instant watch on netflix.com, but it's also on imdb.com, youtube, etc. WHATEVER YOU DO, STAY AWAY FROM GARDEN PARTY! Think of this as an R-rated Disney film, if that makes any sense. I swear, when I finished watching this, I felt like I lost a few brain cells. This film is a MUSN'T see.

3. Alpha Dog (2006)
-Oh Nick Cassavetes... good ole Nick Cassavetes... it's a shame you gave up acting in 2001, cause... your filmmaking is truly not your strong point. Now I love films about kids growing up and whatnot (Kids, Jack the Bear), but this film had way too many stars and the actors playing the real people looked absolutely nothing like them. I didn't buy any of their acting for a second. The acting and the writing is so awful that it almost turns into a slapstick comedy. Especially at the end when Sharon Stone is in the fat suit being interviewed about her son's death (can somebody say Razzie...???). I mean, the dialogue was so fake and pathetic. It seemed like all the actors (especially Justin Timberlake) were trying to impress the audience that was watching them with their cool thugged out style of acting so that they would get laid when this film came out. I'm surprised they weren't breaking the fourth wall for crying out loud! I've always been a huge fan of Emile Hirsch and I definitely think he's growing as an actor, and you can't blame him for choosing this film, because films based on true crime stories are always intriguing at first. But I really hope his agent just threw him into it without having him read the script, cause the script right off the bat, makes you puke with it's dialogue. Justin Timberlake?!? Are you kidding me?! I don't think Nick's late father, John Cassavetes, would be too thrilled about this. I mean, every performance was so over the top (shout out to Ben Foster...) that it's almost like one giant cartoon. I'm surprised there hasn't been any comedies that have spoofed this (like Not Another Non-Stop Cursing Wigger Teen Movie), maybe cause it's a slapstick comedy itself. And for those of you who have seen this film, do you remember the scene when Justin Timberlake is alone with Anton Yelchin and gives him the opportunity to get on a bus and escape, but Yelchin actually REFUSES?!? I think these were his words, "I just don't wanna create any more problems for my brother, you know? So I think I'm just gonna wait it out a little more..." WHO RAISED THIS FUCKING KID?! CHIMPANZEES?! He's clearly creating MORE problems for his psycho brother by remaining kidnapped! I would be all over that bus like Rosie O'Donnell on a cupcake! This IS after they tied Anton Yelchin's character up and put duct tape over his mouth, so... you would think that he would have some common sense and do the right thing, but... then there wouldn't be much of a conflict, right? WRONG! They should have ended the film right then and there and save us the next 45 minutes. And Ben Foster? I don't think doing a whole line of coke before you walk on set is helpful to your performance. Try real acting once in a while instead of just popping your veins out of your skull and screaming really loudly. Cause your not fooling anyone. I think the best part of this film was probably the opening credits with the clips of the actors when they were kids, but from then on it was downhill. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. I love how Nick Cassevetes followed this with My Sisters Keeper. If you watch Alpha Dog first, I think you'd find that funny.

4. Pearl Harbor (2001)
-Good grief, where to begin. Stars, stars and more stars. Effects, effects, and more effects. Directing, directing and more dir-- wait, that's right, there WAS no directing. My mistake. Acting, acting and more act-- wait, that's right, the acting was TERRIBLE! Hey at least we have a good script, right--? NOPE! Script is awful too. Everything about this film is atrocious. The budget was absolutely insane and seemed like all the money went into the effects and locations and CGI, which was important for a caliber film like this. But Michael Bay, be in mind, this ain't another goddamn Armageddon film your making! This is one of the biggest wars in history. I mean it's like he didn't even try to make a good structured film! He just treated it like another one of his crappy Hollywood blockbusters. Now James Cameron managed to make an extremely special effect driven Hollywood film, Titanic, but still tell the story beautifully and made it as authentic and best he could. And the acting was impeccable. So tell us Michael Bay, why the hell couldn't you have done the same with Pearl Harbor?! If the veterans had seen this film I think they would have killed Bay with their bare hands. I can't believe I actually watched this whole film in one sitting. Be in mind, it's hard for me to sit through a film that's longer than 2 1/2 hours, but usually I manage, but this picture clocks in a little over 3 hours and it's god awful!!! Now that's dedication. Michael Bay was clearly the wrong (and probably the worst) choice to direct this film. It should have gone to someone like Oliver Stone, Scorsese, or even Spielberg. Bay pretty much made a mockery out of the attack and focused more on the stupid love triangle of Hartnett, Affleck and the ever so irritating Mrs. Kate Beckinsale. When the hell did they have a chance to squeeze a love story in the midst of all this turmoil?! I mean, come on! That's like slapping the audience in the face. And why the hell do Michael Bay (and Kevin Smith as well) love Ben Affleck so much? There's nothing good about who he is or what he does. He is one of the, if not THE, worst actor of our generation. He brings nothing to the table. NOTHING. He's a pretty face and nothing more. Please, I warn you, whatever you do... DO NOT watch this film. It's not even a film, it's a Hollywood schlocky cheesy stupid MOVIE. Michael Bay, you aggitate us more and more with your special effect driven, though absolutely no acting or story, Hollywood blockbusters. I don't even think he knows what a good story is. He's so caught up in special effects and crazy gunfire and explosions, that he should be a goddamn special effects technician, not the man behind the camera! He doesn't even know what directing is! With our luck, 10 years from now, he'll be using robots for the actors, instead of humans, and you know what...? I don't think he'll even notice the difference. Bay's done so many horrendous epics, but this film goes down in the history books as his ultimate flop. The film itself is a bigger disaster than the actual attack.

5. Fanboys (2009)
-I recently ordered this film on my ON DEMAND a few months ago (worst $4.99 I ever spent), because I remember seeing the trailer right before Zack and Miri and I thought it looked hilarious (THOUGHT being the key word here...). I liked the trailer and how at the end of it, they were listing all the random known comedy actors that were in it, and labeling them, not as their actual name, but like "That guy from such and such...!" I thought that was clever... and then I saw the fucken thing. AND BOY WAS I WRONG. This film is such an unfocused train wreck and tries so hard to be like an Apatow or McKay film that it forgets about the main picture. The story revolves around a few childhood friends who are also die-hard Star Wars fans who travel to Skywalker Ranch to steal an early copy of The Phantom Menace. So of course the majority of the film is a whole cheesy "trying to be funny" road trip adventure ride where they meet a bunch of bubbly characters along the way. The actors whose heads I really wanted to tear off were Sam Huntington and Chris Marquette. I mean, after all this slapstick bullshit, you think you can really lay some sentimental moments between the two (cause Marquette's character is dying of cancer)?! I mean, either this is a slapstick stupid comedy or an episode of E.R. Which is it? TELL ME! After seeing Huntington in a hysterical performance in the cult classic, Not Another Teen Movie, I had high hopes for the kid, but this film was just garbage. Do you understand how amazing this film could have been?! DO YOU?! It's a fun little story and everyone loves movies that spoof and/or reference Star Wars and George Lucas! Oh yeah, and also the whole "platonic" friendship between Jay Baruchel and Kristen Bell that ends up becoming something more??? I love how her character is supposed to be this nerdy egghead movie geek whose considered "one of the guys..." yeah, sure... I'll buy that....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall (well, don't by the way, cause it's terrible)?! Bell is insanely gorgeous in that film! Perfection to the T. Perfect body, teeth, face, everything. And were supposed to buy her as a geeky nerd who none of the other guys find attractive? What, is it because her character has brown hair instead of blonde? That's it, isn't it. What is this? She's All That?! Good God. If I had all the thumbs in the world I would put them DOWN for this schlock fest. Oh yeah, and one other thing concerning the director, Mr. Kyle Newman (brother of Simpsons and Futurama designer, Kevin Newman). I mean, you can't blame him for making such a shitty film, because he is married to the gorgeous model/actress Jaime King (Goldie from Sin City), so... maybe he was just always eager to get home and make love to her, that he was never focused when actually shooting.

6. Four Brothers (2005)
-Now John Singleton clearly has not had a well crafted film since Baby Boy in 2001, and Four Brothers is absolutely no exception. I sort of had high hopes and I heard stories about how Ethan Hawke loved the script, but had to turn it down. And some of the other supporting actors I am a big fan of (Terrence Howard, Chiwetel Ejifor), but unfortunately the actors who soak up the screen are all terrible. The whole premise in a nutshell, is that Marky Mark, Hedlund, Tyrese, and Andre 3000 are all brothers (makes sense right?) and they are out to investigate and eventually avenge the death of their elderly mother. Now I love revenge films, but the acting in this was so terrible and this was so far fetched that you can't help but laugh your ass off. There are a couple of sequences where the brothers' mother's ghost dissolves into the screen and they start chatting with her ghost. For example, I remember it vividly when it happens when they are all having Thanksgiving dinner, and her ghost appears at the dinner table and starts giving them manner tips. I was crying I was laughing so hard, and of course the actors are trying to be so serious and dramatic. I mean, when they were watching the dailies and they were cutting this film together, did Singleton and the producers actually think that was going to effect the audience emotionally? I mean, come on. How could Singleton go from a heartwrenching film like Boyz N the Hood to this piece of garbage?! If you've seen it, do you remember the climactic scene where there having the final battle on the ice pond, but Marky Mark is nowhere to be seen. But then out of LITERALLY NOWHERE, he pops up and starts thuggishly walking towards the bad guys to save the day. I mean, for Christ sake! That has got to be one of the corniest lamest scenes in cinema history!!! I, myself, have spoken to people who consider this film to be one of their favorites. Needless to say, there not very bright. And isn't it kind of funny that three out of the four of the brothers are rappers turned actors? What the hell is Andre 3000 doing in this? You think we can really take him seriously after Be Cool? COME ON! This flop is for dumb jocks and nothing more.

7. Teenage Caveman (2002)
-Now I know this is considered a TV movie (actually part of the 'Creature Features'), but nonetheless, this is still one of the biggest pieces of trash I have ever laid eyes on. This is somewhat of a remake to Roger Corman's B-rate 1958 film also entitled, Teenage Cave Man, only this time it also includes young underrage teenagers having sex with each other. Larry Clark has disturbed us for the past 15 years (starting with 1995's Kids), but for some reason when 2002 came around he wanted to make a science fiction horror film with a few of the lamest, most talentless actors in the world. I guess, because no one else would take part in it. Even Ben Affleck probably wouldn't even do this (Well, actually, he might as long as they paid him his quote)! This film, of course dealing with teens (Clark's favorite type of genre) who, after being tested as guinea pigs for some experimental testing of a virus, can live forever in a post apocalyptic world. And they encounter a bunch of bizarre characters throughout. 7th Heaven's Andrew Keegan plays our protagonist, David, and another Clark favorite, Tiffany Limos also co-stars as Judith. You know what? I can't even discuss this film any further, because it is what it is. A horrible, horrible, shit box. Here, check out the trailer yourself and see if you agree with me. Seriously, check it out. You will not stop laughing. http://uk.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3653173529/

8. Georgia Rule (2007)
-Now it's a shame that this film made it to my list, because it really shouldn't have. Considering the fact that great actresses like Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman were in the lead roles, but unfortunately there was a third addition to the 'lead role' category. That would be little miss Lindsay Lohan who practically destroyed this film with her acting, and apparently, according to William H. Macy, and the producers of the film, was a pain in the ass to work with on and off camera. Listen up Lindsay, you can't go out every night, party like crazy, drink as much as you want, chain smoke as much as you want, sleep with whom ever you want, and still think your going to give an excellent performance in a film such as Georgia Rule. Now, granted, Garry Marshall is also not the greatest director in the world, so every time you hear of a new Marshall film coming out you get nervous (i.e. Valentine's Day...), but nonetheless, he's still a respectable man. The guy's worked with Al Pacino for crying out loud! It's very difficult for one not so talented actor (or actress in this case) surrounded by VERY talented actors to destroy an entire film, but congratulations, Lindsay! YOU SUCCEEDED! Good for you! See... that binge drinking and anorexia and chain smoking takes it's toll on your career little lady. All right, enough of my cutesy putesy talk. THIS FILM SUCKED.

9. Battlefield Earth (2000)
-"Prepare for Battle," was this film's poster tagline when it was released in May 2000. I believe they were referring to the battle that all the actors were going to have to fight to save their houses from foreclosure. I remember hearing just awful things about this film when it first came out, so I ended up watching it on TNT or something when it was finally on television. And the public couldn't have been more right. This film is based on an L. Ron Hubbard novel revolving around humanity fighting back against an alien race in the year 3000 after they are almost exterminated. WOW. That's deep. Like most film adaptations, I'm sure the novel is 3000 times better. I have never been a big fan of science fiction films, but after watching this film, it almost made me want to give up on science fiction films all together. This film sweeped up every Razzie nomination for Christ sake, so what does that tell you?! Forest Whitaker actually expressed his regret for being in this film. When does that ever happen? This film makes no sense, the costumes are ridiculous, the characters sound retarded, and the writing is pathetic. Does that tell you something? This mess ranks right up there along with Batman & Robin and Ghost Dad. Yes... it's that bad.

10. Daredevil (2003)
-I know you'd probably disagree with me and immediately go for Gigli, but... I actually have only seen Pacino's small cameo and have not have the pleasure of watching the whole painful film itself. But I have seen the whole thing of this terrifying picture (terrifying, not meaning scary by the way). So I guess this film is where Ben Affleck and big eared Jennifer Garner met right? Awe, how cute. Hollywood romance. Bullshit. This film, I'm sure, made a lot of comic book nerds cringe, but I, myself, am not a comic book nerd, but I do know a good film when I see one. And this film is practically unbearable. I seriously think this it's the only superhero film of this past decade that didn't even get a videogame made of it! I mean, come on, really? If your a big superhero film with a bunch of movie stars and a big budget, and you DON'T get a videogame made of it, then... I'm sorry to say, but... something ain't right. First off, lets discuss Jennifer Garner real briefly (because she's not really worth discussing in the first place). She has the worst speech in actress history and doesn't even have that movie star charisma. She was so painful to watch in this film and I actually CAN believe Affleck fell in love with her because it takes a bad actor to know a bad actor, right? And Colin Farrell as the bad guy? COME ON! This guy doesn't have a talented bone in his body. If you wanted a real actor to play Bullseye, get Edward Norton or something, don't choose this Irish hack. And as far as Ben Affleck goes...? Seriously man, what the hell are you doing with your career? Honestly. You already had another WORST film in my list. I mean, it's like ever since Good Will Hunting's critical success, he got super cocky and started doing whatever script came his way. I have come to the theory that Mr. Affleck DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO READ. Thank God at least one half of the Affleck/Damon duo has a good head on his shoulders, well... sort of (i'll let Stuck on You slide, Mr. Damon...). Oh yeah, and be sure to check out the follow up to this film. The spin off with Jennifer Garner's character Elektra fighting off assassins! Yippy, Horayy!!! I actually think Elektra flopped harder than Daredevil. God have Mercy on the sucker who decides to make a Bullseye spin off...



Well, that's my top ten for the past decade. Hope you weren't outraged at some, or even all of my choices. Please feel free to comment and look for more entries (i.e. MOST DISTURBING coming up soon...)! Thank you for reading and hope you continue.


Sincerely,
FILMBOY - Chris von Hoffmann


ENTRY QUOTE:

"Acting is half shame, half glory. Shame at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself." - John Gielgud